Rosey (phoenix7771) wrote in i_learned_from,

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Everything I Ever Learned I Learned From Eddie Izzard's Circle

1. Catholics use the Holy Trinity to keep flies away.
2. Protestants use a gun.
3. Religions are philosophy, with some good ideas. And some f-cking weird ones.
4. The Dog's bullocks are good. *thumbs up*
5. Pope's are not very well named.
6. The Spanish Inquisition was far too inquisitive. It was supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.
7. “And shall my sword sleep in my hand.” Is not a good idea. You're gonna roll over and cut your bits off. “Should my sword sleep near my bed, but not so close that it'll cut my bits off.” Would be a better line.
8. People don't kill people. People kill people. And so do monkeys (when they have a gun).
9. Pursue happiness with a gun!
10. Don't shot your mother in the process of pursuing happiness.
11. If you do. Stick some antlers on her.
12. The British Empire was lost by them going "Are you sure?"
13. Monkeys can talk; they've been talking for years. But when Human's turn up they go "oh, oh." but when they piss off, they discuss them.
14. Give a monkey a gun and stick it in Charlton Hesston’s house and film it through the window.
15. Train a monkey to reload. Then stick it in Charlton Hesston’s house.
16. Don't train the monkey the whole FIB way.
17. Jesus was a white man from Oxford.
18. Actually, no he wasn't. He was from Judea, with dark skin.
19. The five major religions are Christianity, Judaism, Islam, RCA and Sony.
20. Football is called bananas in America.
21. America has won the World Series every year. *gasp*
22. God created man in his own image. But 65 million years before that, he created dinosaurs in the image of his cousin Ted.
23. God’s real voice is a bit weird. So he talks with a James Mason impression.
24. God smoked a lot.
25. The Son must go down to earth to preach.
26. God married Galadriel.
27. The original pronunciation of Bible was “Biblee”.
28. The meek shall inherit the earth.
29. They don’t mind if they don’t.
30. Well maybe a picture of an aunt.
31. Blessed are the huge scaly monsters for they shall undoubtedly will inherit the earth. Unless something awful happens with the temperature.
32. Humans could count to 100 billion. But they would not.
33. The next sun from us is awesome. Like a 100 billion hotdogs.
34. The metric system is full of communist bugs.
35. There have been seven big bangs.
36. Gods speed is 45.
37. Don’t applaud yourself. Nail your hands to the floor.
38. All sons have physics jokes.
39. Whales are the DJ’s of the sea, traveling at 78.
40. Flipper, Lassie, Skippy all have the same plots.
41. Gone With the Wind is the answer to everything.
42. You’ll never see a seal that isn’t good with balls.
43. Tiger’s might be good with banjos.
44. Swans can kill you with their arms.
45. Cows and dancers never show pain in their eyes.
46. Dancers don’t eat their own sick.
47. The French think the British are “roast beefs” and it’s all very funny.
48. The Brits are working their way alphabetically through the map of the world for hating countries.
49. Cows have four stomachs.
50. In France, cows were feed poo. Eventually, one stomach must say “wait a moment; I’ve seen this shit before.”
51. Passive research is waiting for the research to come to you.
52. Shoot is the elixir of life, if missed with water.
53. The stoned Olympics would be great!
54. A monkey with a gun would start it.
55. Surely some Spartans were comfy men.
56. Roman roads are good to eat.
57. The renaissance was a French name because it all happened right smack in the middle of F—Italy.
58. Rifielle, was not only a hairdresser, but he did coffee as well.
59. Michael Angelo was a painter and decorator.
60. He didn’t know what the stipple effect.
61. X-rays of The Mona Lisa revealed that the first version was Happy Lisa, the second was Sexy Lisa, and then the last one was Pissed-Off Lisa.
62. Venn was the most boring child ever.
63. There are good Nazi’s.
64. No wait; see the flip side of that.
65. God eats his own sick.
66. But before it becomes sick.
67. Human’s treated Jesus worse then the dinosaur.
68. Humans are twisted.
69. Jesus started Vampirism in Christianity.
70. Jesus said “Eat this bread, it is my favorite!”
71. Wait no, it’s “Eat this bread it is my body.
72. No one works out that Christianity is a pagan religion until 2000 years later when a transvestite in New York points it out.
73. If God had had his way his Holy Communion would have had priests going around with huge trays going “Who ordered the body of Christ?”
74. Four, five, six, one, two and three have not been made.
75. The Death Star does Death.
76. There was no food on the Death Star.
77. Well, there must have been a Death Star canteen.
78. Darth Vader could kill you with a tray if he so wished.
79. The food is hot.
80. Everyone challenges Lord Vader to the fight to the death.
81. Mr. Stevens is the head of catering.
82. Darth Vader is really called Geoff Vader.
83. Everyone wants Geoff Vader’s autograph.
84. Darth is Geoff’s brother.
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